


No Telling What Tomorrow Brings

by Wonderland_Awaits



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Character Death, Future Fic, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-24
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 22:52:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/544723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderland_Awaits/pseuds/Wonderland_Awaits
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s been a lifetime but some things still hold true</p>
            </blockquote>





	No Telling What Tomorrow Brings

I look back at how everyone said it wouldn’t last and just laugh. We wouldn’t last. There wouldn’t be a day when he told me he loved me. There wouldn’t be a day when he asked me to marry him. There wouldn’t be a day where he would want children other than Gus (and while we didn’t ever adopt, we certainly considered it for a long time). There wouldn’t be a day when we had joint bank accounts and joint paperwork and rings on our fingers. Basically, no one had faith in us. Not our friends and family. Not him. And at times, not even me. How wrong I was.

As I stand here, we were together forty-one years, five months and eleven days. Sure there were times we weren’t physically together or even speaking but in reality, we were never apart. Forty-one years of ups and downs and parties and quiet evenings at home and vacations to the various corners of the globe. A lifetime shared with the man that I love and will love until the day I die.

But that part of my life is over. Just a few short days ago (could it really have only been that long?) my partner, love of my life, and best friend died. Brian Kinney, the founder and CEO of a multibillion dollar company, Brian Kinney the onetime ruler of Liberty Avenue, Brian Kinney the loyal friend and devoted lover isn’t with me anymore. 

It’s not like he was sick…well, no more sick than a seventy-one year old cancer survivor and former recreational drug abuser should be. His time spent in the scene had taken its toll on his body but you usually couldn’t tell. Brian told me once that on more than one occasion, Michael had reminded him that he was “Brian Kinney for fuck’s sake” and that because of that he would “always be young and always be beautiful.” And it was true. It was so true. 

Michael and Gus are standing on either side of me right now as we stand beside the open grave. I can’t fall apart in front of them. Michael is…well he’s Michael and I just can’t force myself to use him as my pillar of strength. I know I could turn to Gus without him breaking down on me but I don’t want to do that either. Because while he might not shatter outwardly, he’s Brian’s son. He inherited his father’s antagonistic views towards emotions and weakness so even if it was breaking him to watch me cry, he wouldn’t ever tell me. 

I’ve done my share of crying for now, anyway. I cried when I woke up and realized that he was gone. I cried while I held him and stroked his hair and kissed his face. I cried when they came to take him away from me (although my flow of tears was greatly diminished…I don’t like crying in front of people)…I just cried. 

It’s not like he hadn’t told me a thousand times that he’d go before me and I knew he was probably right. But the reality of this was far too much to take. My Brian was gone and he wasn’t coming back. This wasn’t some trial or temporary separation and I couldn’t fix it this time. I felt like the air had been sucked out of the space surrounding me. I felt like my world was crashing around me. Daphne is here, somewhere behind me. I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s the only close friend of mine that didn’t know Brian first. She’s the only one that I can go to and say what I’m feeling without being a burden. 

Fuck, Gus is crying. Not loudly. If hadn’t looked him full in the face, I wouldn’t have known. But like I said, he’s like his father. I can read him. He’s forty-one years old and I still can’t stand to see him cry. The knife in my chest just keeps being turned and I don’t know how to make it stop.This all has to stop. Right now. 

I’m torn between staring, unblinking at the casket until it’s lowered into the ground and running as fast as I can in the other direction…but I’ll stay. I’ll always stay with him. I don’t run away from Brian Kinney. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We’re all sitting here in the living room of our home in New York and all eyes are on me. Almost no one’s looking at me directly but I can tell that they’re all watching. Waiting for me to fall apart at the seams because who can remember a time when he and I weren’t Brian and Justin, one unit, completely inseparable? 

I know I should be grateful for the love and support of my friends. Lindsay and Mel are here. So’s JR, who’s currently letting her daddy cry on her shoulder. Gus’s giving her a wary look from his position on the couch. Like I’ve said, he’s Brian’s kid and touchy-feely moments aren’t his thing. Haven’t been since he was a kid. 

I walk over to him and can’t stop myself from asking the stupid, stupid fucking question. “How are you?” It comes out so quietly that I’m almost relieved. I think he didn’t hear me. 

“I’m fine.” His response is that short. That unaffected. 

“Don’t bullshit me, Gus. I’ve known you literally your whole life.” I snap back at him. I don’t know why his lack of emotion suddenly hit me so hard. It’s not as if he wasn’t crying when they lowered the casket into the ground.

“Really, Justin…I’m fine. I’m fine for you, I’m fine for Ma, I’m fine for Mom and everyone else here who loved my dad. I’ll deal with myself later. Right now, I have to do something and I’m choosing to make that ‘something’ looking after everyone else and keeping them from falling apart.”

There’s nothing I can really say to that. It’s so like him…so like his father. Looking after everyone through a mask of indifference? Yeah, definitely Brian’s son. I walk back to my original place and return to watching everyone else in the room. 

Emmett and Ted are here too and god I forgot how much I missed all of these people. Sure, Ted wasn’t in the best shape (he’s something like 74?) and Emmett’s flame has quieted considerably and Michael’s more aged as well. Sure, Gus and JR have families of their own (Gus, with another man I might add. Brian was so happy when he learned that his son was queer just like the rest of us). Sure Ben and Hunter, Debbie and Vic…and my mom were no longer with us. This was still my family. Always would be. 

This was Brian’s family too. The best family a group of fags from Pittsburgh could ever ask for. I need to let my family, our family know that I’ll be okay. 

I walk over to Linds and Mel and ask them how they are and they downplay their feelings of course, Linds because she’s a WASP like me and Mel because she doesn’t want to make things worse. After that little exchange I talk to Linds about my biggest showing yet—a show at the Museum of Modern Art. I hadn’t told anyone but Brian because everyone would be gathered soon enough for Thanksgiving and Christmas and all those connect-with-your-family holidays. When I tell her, she’s ecstatic. Who ever would have guessed that the obnoxious little twink that all but stalked Brian Kinney would become a world renown artist?

I’m talking to Michael, trying to console him, when Gus, thankfully, realizes how tired I am. How mentally and emotionally exhausted I’ve been for days and finally begins to get people out of the house. He leaves with his mothers but not before pulling me into a hug. It’s a hug that says the words that he won’t allow himself to. How much he misses his dad too. How he’s worried about me. How he’ll be here for me if I need him. And I just smile at him because what else can I do?

“I’ll be okay, Gus. Really.” I say it with complete sincerity. Because yes, my world just fell apart. Brian’s gone and he’s not coming back and I can’t do a fucking thing to fix it. But I have our memories. I have the years and years of time together to reflect on. 

“Are you sure, Justin? Is there anything else I can do? I…” he stops short because he apparently can’t think of anything else to say. Can’t think of any words of comfort. 

“I’m completely sure. Your dad said to me a long, long time ago that it didn’t matter if we didn’t see each other in a week, or a month, or never again. Because it’s only time. And he was right.” And at that moment I actually believed that he was right. Brian wasn’t gone completely. Never would be. It was only time. 

Gus seems to believe me at that point and slowly walked towards the front door, looking over his shoulder as he as about to close it.

I just smile at him. 

I’m going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> I sobbed while writing this. But it wouldn't leave my brain until I did so this happened and I'm so sorry. Ugh.


End file.
